50 Shades of Trouble

Ad inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey

Sex sells. All you have to do is look at today’s commercials to see just how much. I’m not just talking about lingerie, or sex toys. With the rise in popularity of the Fifty Shades trilogy, sex has been selling clothes, kitchen sinks, cookbooks, make-up etc. For those of you who aren’t aware of these books (erotica) here is the short version. Anastasia Steele is a virgin who falls in love with business tycoon, Christian Grey only to realize Christian loves his BDSM. He comes fully equipped with canes, hand cuffs, nipple clamps and all sorts of fun (and painful) toys. He seduces innocent Anastasia, they fall in love, they fight, she cures him, and he saves her.

Many people have spoken against the deviant sex Fifty Shades encourages. Bad writing aside (I mean it started off as Twilight fan fic. Need I say more?), I, personally, have nothing against this. In fact, I applaud it for portraying BDSM in a popular media and making the reading of erotica more acceptable in present day culture.  These things help allow acceptance of different sexual expressions that can be fulfilling (for some) in a relationship built on mutual trust and respect. Unfortunately, this is not the type of relationship these books promote.

Instead, these books reinforce stereotypes of the submissive innocent female and the bad boy. Christian is a control freak and I’m not just talking about kinky sex. He aims to control every part of Anastasia’s life. He reads her emails, stalks her, controls what she eats, isolates her from friends etc. Christian has her convinced he does these things out of love. Consent from Anastasia is ambiguous at best. To me this is the danger present in these books and all the commercials it has spawned. They aren’t just selling kinky sex. They are selling an unhealthy, archaic, bordering on abusive, relationship.

Women were born to serve?

This is a long one! I hope someone makes it to the end!

Can opinions be wrong?

Ok so I was pursuing through blogs yesterday and I came across a particular post that bothered me so much I had to respond to it.  It was a post written by the kinkyworldofvile entitled “Women were put here to Serve.”  While I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion, sometimes someone’s opinion is just inaccurate.  Let me list of a few examples.

Those who are of the opinion that a D/s relationship is abusive. Wrong.

The practitioners in Westboro Church who believe that homosexuality is the reason for all evil. Wrong.

The British, who deemed that Africans were lesser humans and therefore, could be enslaved. Wrong.

Hitler, who thought that Jews were the cause for all evil. Wrong.

I am not talking about the actions that all the people I mentioned above undertook due to their believes. I am talking about the belief in and of it self. What they did because of their believes is irrelevant to what I am discussing here.

When examined all of these opinions are wrong because they are generalization of a group of people based on egotistical believes and inaccurate and convoluted facts.

Women were born to serve?

In his post Vile discusses his opinion about how women are put on this world to serve.  Let me be clear that he never condones abuse or mistreating of women. As a matter of fact before you read this post take the time to read his original post that that I am referring to (linked at the top).  Now if he was talking about servitude in the context of certain D/s relationship then this is fine (although as far as I know there is the vice versa as well). Also this post wouldn’t have irked me so much if it had talked about how some women were born to serve because some women truly believe that is what they were born to do. That is their choice. However, Vile’s statement is meant for all women in general. Here’ s a direct quote.

“Now back to the original topic women were put here to serve. The evidence starts with Eve, although he fucked things up from the start, because he thought with his dick, he was afraid if he didn’t eat the apple eve would cut him off.

Then the 60′s came along with the Bra burnings , women want there independence, they wanted equal rights, and most subs and slaves will disagree with this notion. Women going to work is what really fucked up the work force. Unemployment would not be near as high, if that bitch had not burned the first bra.”

Social construct vs. biological construct

Adam and Eve?  Maybe this is my overly scientific and analytical mind speaking, but is religious fantasy ever evidence of anything in this day and age? Yes. It is an overly male dominated world (although this is changing drastically as time passes). Do you know why? It has nothing to do with Adam and Eve (although religion definitely greatly perpetuated female oppression). It’s because men on average are physically stronger.  In the twilight of humanity, when we were hunters and gatherers, physical dominance ruled because that’s how you were going to get fed and stay safe. So practicality deemed while the men hunted and protected, women stayed at home and tended house and child. So began the patriarchal society we see in the modern world (even there were certain cultures where the man was not in charge).

This system, this idea that men are in charge is a societal construct. It is not to be mistaken with a biological construct. Biologically speaking, the only thing that we are born to do is survive and pass on our genes. In today’s society, we as women don’t need a man to survive. So that societal construct from prehistoric times is thrown out the window like last season’s fashion trend.

No human is born to serve. They may choose to serve. They may be forced to serve. But there is no gene that encodes servitude. No hormone or enzyme that increases your servility.  Society teaches us it and then beats it into our head at a young age so that we believe that is the way things have to be. But as Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King teaches us the status quo is not always right. People are easily manipulated and they become comfortable in an unjust system. Only when someone takes a stand does that system change.

And so the first bra was burned in the 60s to challenge an unjust oppression of a group of people. Long gone is animalistic warrior that was ruler of the prehistoric age. Physical dominance doesn’t equate power anymore. You need more than that to survive.  Humans have evolved. And from it women have started to open their eyes to the possibility of living for themselves and no one else.

***(Speaking of evolution, it is interesting to know technically, men are mutations. The Y chromosome is a mutation of the second X chromosome in females. So the genotype XX {female} probably came before XY {male). The story of Eve being created from Adam may most likely be quite the opposite. But this is a biological debate which involves so many other things that I won’t get into it here too much)

Women in Workforce

As for women in the workforce causing the rates of unemployment to drastically increase, I’m calling bullshit on this statement. This one might be one of THE most ridiculous things I have heard.

First of all women joined the workforce initially because of WWII labor shortages, a long time before the burning of the first bra. Eventually through access to education, the feminist movement, equal rights and increased economic strain, women in the work force became more prevalent and are ever increasing today. One of the main things that caused this shift is the rise of service sector and the decline of the manufacturing sector.  The Economist stated it well when it wrote, “When brute strength mattered more than brains, men had an inherent advantage.  Now that brainpower has triumphed the two sexes are more evenly matched.”

Now that we have cleared up why women have entered the workforce, let’s see how it has affected the economy. In a 2007 study, Catalyst, a research and consulting company, showed that companies with the highest representation of women board members attain significantly higher financial performance than those with the lowest representation: 53% higher Return on Equity; 42% higher Return on Sales; and 66% higher Return on Invested Capital. (Joy, et al, 2007) Doesn’t seem like we are so bad for the economy?

And then of course there is the fact that as women enter the workforce and create their own companies, they in fact increase job availability. In the U.S, about 10.1 million firms are owned by women (50% or more), employing more than 13 million people, and generating $1.9 trillion in sales as of 2008. (WBO statistics). We are not destroying the economy. We are creating jobs. In fact according to Goldman Sachs, female employment rates have huge implications for the global economy, boosting American gross domestic product (GDP) by as much as 9%, Euro GDP by 13% and Japanese GDP by 16%.

Moreover, as women earn more, they spend more. Yet, another boost to the economy! I mean, what more could a consumer capitalist society want than more consumers right? Now I am not saying that the working woman doesn’t cause some negative effects. But those effects center more on increased stress and the breakdown of the family unit than it does on unemployment rates.  These effects don’t mean women shouldn’t be in the workforce, it simply means we need an overhaul of our social and family system.

Domestic Rape

Now after the bit about unemployment and women in the workforce, Vile continues to write “Women were put here to serve, Domestic and sexually. It kills me when I see on the news a woman is filing charges because her husband raped her, get the fuck out. Seriously how does a man rape his own wife? This is where the Government has gotten to deep in our personal lives.”

Woah! This is something I never want to hear coming out of any male I know, whether they are a Dom, or my boyfriend, or just my friend. I don’t know if this seems so bad because of wording. I mean it is pretty easy to see how a husband can rape his wife. She says no. He forces here down and roughs her up a little and fucks her. That’s pretty much it. Plus if your husband is willing to force sex on you then it is more than likely there are other forms of abuse going on. Non-consensual sex is rape. Now as I understand in some D/s relationship there are rules set out and the submissive has already agreed to these rules before had. Therefore, consent is implied from these rules (or acceptant of these rules is consent). This is not true in every other relationship. If there isn’t consent, its rape, no matter whom it is between. Marrying someone does not give them the right to your body.

Domestic Servitude

As for women being put here to serve domestically or sexually, this is a bit ridiculous isn’t it? Do you think it was necessary for God or evolution to create a whole other sex just so you don’t have to do your own laundry? Um…I don’t think so. Every household is different. If a woman wants to do all the domestic chores, then more power to her. Let her do it. However, if she is working and she wants to split the chores then work it out. Or heaven forbid she’s the only one working, and your sitting on your lazy ass at home all day. Man the fuck up and do the chores. Domestic duties being woman’s work is a silly outdated concept.

Sexual Servitude

Now as for men’s sexual desires, why in God’s name would women subject themselves to the whim of that? After all as women, we are the choosier sex because we have the higher investment of energy into our offspring. Guys are the equivalent of the peacock (aptly named) flashing its feathers for female attention. So in the hierarchy of things (biologically), we hold the power. Once again, if a woman wants to be sexually subservient to a man (and sometimes I do in the bedroom) that is completely up to them. Go ahead. It can be a fun time. If you want to do this 24/7, hey, no one is stopping you.  Your choice, your desires as long as you consent to it.

Women Wants and Desires

Vile ends his post by writing, “Being a submissive or slave does not mean you do not have rights. You have the right to express yourself as well as your needs, your wants come later. So yes women were put here to serve.”

So being a woman doesn’t mean you have no rights. Just lesser rights. Forgive me for not finding this comforting. This dynamic that he talks about works in some D/s relationship because it is an exchange of total power. Its what the submissive woman wants. But to apply it to all women is a gross generalization. I have no desire to serve a man constantly and always put his wants ahead of mine. All women aren’t submissive. I most definitely am not. Oh I love kinky sex and being dominated. But do I want to submit to a man completely, 24/7 (or really ever outside of some bedroom fun)? Hell no! And this is not something that I have looked at on a whim. I am not some naïve uneducated little girl blowing smoke on something she understands little of. I grew up in the middle of this. I have done my research. I know that always submitting to a man would not make me happy. There is no man out there who I would do that for.

Of course if I love you, I would do anything in the world for you if you ask me to. The operative word being ask. Tell me to do something and you have another thing coming. Order me to do something and tell me that my desires are secondary to yours and I will punch you so hard it will make your head spin! (Ok I am way too weak and small for that, but rest assured I would hit you with an object heavy enough to cause the same effect).  I have a career (That’s right. I’m one of those ruining the economy. So sue me). I am independent. Not to say I would be completely ok if I was alone. Humans are social creatures. We don’t do alone very well. But do I need a man? No. Do want a man? Yes. But I want a man who I can call my equal. Hell, I’m greedy. I want a man who thinks I’m more than he deserves.

Now all this is not to say that I consider serving someone a bad thing. But for me, if I don’t get the same service (or equivalent) in return when I need it and want it, well… there are plenty more frogs out there to kiss.  I believe in a strong relationship, you serve each other. And the division of services is different for every couple. A woman doesn’t necessarily have to serve through domestic chores and sex. Just like a man doesn’t have to serve through monetary means. I don’t believe there are any gender specific tasks. Work it out according to your desires, your situation, and what you think will make you happy.

Women aren’t born to serve. They are born to live their lives out the way they see fit. If you want to spend your life as a stepford wife with the kink thrown in then by all means go right ahead.  There is nothing wrong with that. Other women may have no such desire for servitude. Nothing wrong with that either. It’s our choice. We are humans. Not wild animals without reasoning capabilities, born to serve one function above all others. This is my opinion as an independent working woman, who was NOT born to serve anyone.  Disagree with me? Prove it. I want hard facts. Not arbitrary thoughts backed by little proof.

I Think I Like the Kink

I have only really been with two men in the D/s lifestyle and for both these relationships I was never their submissive. In one I was the girlfriend. The other “relationship” was too short to even make it that far. The thing is I don’t identify as a submissive woman. I just like dirty kinky sex. Yah, I like being dominated and submitting during sexual play, but otherwise I really have no such desire. I don’t want to give up control 24/7. I like the idea I can loose control for a little while, but I need to gain the control back in order to feel truly fulfilled.

I think of submission as a roller coaster ride. When I’m ascending I’m freaking terrified, but its this delicious consuming fear because I know that I am completely safe (for the most part). And then the ride itself is amazing, exhilarating and freeing. A good roller coaster will have ups and downs and twists and turns. Then the ride ends and I get off. My feet touch the ground. I feel amazing, but boy am I thankful and happy to be in control of my movements again.

As much as I love a good roller coaster ride, I couldn’t constantly be on it. It would make me sick. I couldn’t do it 24/7. Maybe I just like the kink. The rest of the D/s lifestyle really doesn’t appeal to me (not that there is anything wrong with it).

Anticipation

A short story describing one my experiences.

I’m restrained. My hands, held together by soft leather cuffs, are attached to the wooden headboard of the bed. My legs, spread open by a spreader bar, are held in place by the hemp rope tied to the posts at the ends of the bed. The nipple clamps that adorn my breasts are pulled up and attached to a chain hanging from the ceiling. They are attached tightly enough that I have to arch my back slightly to make the pressure bearable. I can barely move. A soft ball gag is fastened to my mouth. I’m blindfolded so that no rays of light can offer me any comfort and all I can hear is the seductive sounds of a violin from a song I don’t recognize.

I’m completely at your mercy. My skin is hot and already I know I’m getting hypersensitive to the sensation of touch. I’m a wet and dripping, ready for you to take me. I know I’m in for a night of pain and pleasure.  Whip and caress in between. That is the game you like to play and I know it’s going to be delicious toe-curling torture.

With everything that is going to happen tonight, the only thing I can’t stand is this anticipation. Forget the pain, or the humiliation I know is to come. I will gladly take everything twice if you would just end the wait. It’s fucking killing me! And I know you know. I can hear you laughing softly outside as the music fades a little. I would have called out for you, but then I’m gagged.  You did that on purpose because you don’t like me gagged when we play.  You always say my voice sounds too beautiful to be muffled.

And as I wait, I start to get angry and I start to struggle against the bonds. I know that is what you are waiting for. For me to be delirious with so many different conflicting feelings that my head spins. As I curse your sadistic nature in my head, I hear the click of the door as it swings softly open.

Yes, Sir!

So there are many ways to address your dominant in the bedroom. I’m willing to give most titles a try  with the exception of one, which I have always been set against ever being uttered in any sexual encounter. Here is my opinion of the titles men I have played with have asked to address them by. I know that everyone will have different views on this. Remember this is just my opinion and it is not meant to offend anyone.

Master– I’m usually ambivalent towards this one.  I can find it pretty hot a lot of the times. It’s a title that promotes total surrender and ownership. It’s just sometimes when I say this I feel like I’m serving a white plantation owner. I’m not sure why. That’s just he first image that pops in my head. This usually happens when my partner mentions something about race (as you all know I’m a brownie). This immediately initiates an internal rebellion, which sometimes can be fun and other times just upsetting. I don’t mind race play, but then its best to avoid the word Master.

Lord- I once had a tryst with an English man who wanted me to call him lord.  I am not religious by all means, but saying this all the time during sex brought back my Catholic school years. I felt like God was going to smite me for using his name in vain and in such lurid conversations and scenes.

Sire- I was okay with this one. Really had no strong feelings towards this either way. The only problem was my friends and I used to have an inside joke with this word. And sometimes I would start giggling at the thought, which didn’t do much for the scene (or my poor sore ass). Although I think he had quite a kick finding ways to punish me for this.

Daddy- Ok I know some people like using this title, but this is one that I could never use in the bedroom. I just don’t understand how the thought of my dad during an intense sexual session would ever be appealing. Maybe others don’t think of their dads immediately, but that is where my head goes first. Then I start thinking about how horrified my dad would be about this whole scene (My dad is very traditional and set in his way. We don’t get along). And just like that, all that intense sexual feelings dissipate in less than a second. I once dated someone who really liked being addressed as such and I tried. I really did, but this word was like a turn off switch to my libido.

Sir- This is by far my favorite. I have no problem using this title. This title just makes me feel like I am submitting to a confident, sophisticated, modern, experienced, dark, handsome, dominant man. And that is just how I like them!

 

Of course no matter which title I am supposed to use I always, always, always seem to forget to actually say them at the proper times. I just can’t seem to learn. I think its my minds silent (and unwelcome ) rebellion lol. Tell me which title do you guys  prefer?

The Switch

While I enjoy being submissive in a sexual encounter with a man, I definitely don’t mind taking the reins at some times. I could never be truly dominant with a man because I just really have no real desire to do so. However, with other woman I make a whole 360-degree switch.

I think this is due to the fact that I was raised in a traditional family so it doesn’t grate my nerves as much letting the man have control in the bedroom (not that it still doesn’t grate my nerves a bit, but hey that’s the fun). But if it’s another woman in the bedroom, then I am definitely dominant.  I’m not exactly sure why. Its just the way I am.

I first realized this when I was at a club at NYE a few years ago. My roommate at that time and I were lounging on a couch with a couple other people. She mentioned how she had never kissed a girl before. I remember weaving my fingers through her curly blonde hair, looking her in the eyes and saying, “Darling. It is New Years Eve. You are going to kiss me today and you are going to use tongue.” Since she did not protest (although she seemed a bit startled), I leaned in so our lips were barely touching and waited for her to move in to fill the whisper of a space between us. She did and our lips met in a soft delicious kiss that made the perfect start for the New Year. I pulled back for a second only to kiss her again, more deeply this time. Pushing her against the chair I pinned her hands up. She let out a slow moan that send chills quivering down my spine.

Unfortunately, we were in public so we didn’t get much further.  Plus sleeping with one of your best friends and roommate is not the best of ideas. But that little make out session was what made me first realize how much I liked being in charge when I’m with a woman. Since then, I did get a chance once to punish a beautiful petite brunette with the most amazingly blue eyes I have ever seen. Her little whimpers of pain caused such delightful shivers of pleasure. I did not know til then that inflicting pain would cause me such pleasure. Maybe there is a sadistic little bitch in me somewhere. I haven’t really gotten a lot of chances to be with woman, so I have little practice with this. However, it is definitely a part of my sexuality that I would like to explore more.

The Pleasure-Pain Conundrum

I will admit. I’m a bit of a masochist. Pain turns me on. Not a lot of pain mind you, but to a reasonable extent. There are a lot of people out there who don’t understand this concept. After thinking it through quite a bit, I have realized that there are two main reasons for me being a masochist. I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but these are my reasons.

Pain shows control, exemplifies submission

Letting my partner punish me through corporal punishment for my “indiscretions” is a perfect way for him to illustrate his complete control over me. This also highlights my vulnerability in my submission and reasserts my trust in him. Plus like I said before, I like a good fight and being subdued. What better way to affirm his victory in the fight than through pain?

Pain increases pleasure

This is something that a lot of people don’t seem to understand and I’m not sure why as its pretty simple. Let me demonstrate this with an easy example. Let’s say you went out for a walk in the warm summer. You come back home and your mom makes you hot chocolate. You drink it and it’s delicious. Now let’s say you have been out in the snow for a while having a snowball fight with your friends. You come back inside and you mom makes you the same hot chocolate.  Does it not taste and feel a hundred times better than when you had it on the warm summer day?

It is the same concept with pain and pleasure in sex. The pain makes the pleasure that much more delicious.

Submissive Desires

Ever since I realized my sexuality, I have always been drawn to the idea of power play and BDSM. Of course like any other girl (or boy although for them its decidedly much easier), I first had to figure out the mechanics of the whole sex and masturbation thing.  Coming from a pretty conservative brown family (yes I am South Asian), this took a lot longer than it should have. The only real talk I ever got from my parents was, “Don’t have sex. Don’t shame the family.” At that time I lived in the Saudi Arabia and my dad checked everything we looked up on the Internet, and there weren’t many other resources I could turn to. It took our move to Canada to actually get my sexual journey on the road. And even then it took one year in university (living away from home), for me to get the basic mechanics down pat (although my g-spot remains elusive still but perhaps that is for another post).

But throughout this whole process, perhaps since I was 15 and I happened to come upon a very erotic email sent to an older friend of mine, I was imminently drawn towards BDSM. To be more precise I was drawn towards submission. The idea took place in my head and it bloomed and it spread no matter how much I tried to resist it. The problem was not that I had anything against the idea of submission on an objective level. I have always been very liberal about most things, as long as it was not truly hurting anyone. The problem I found with submission was that it completely and utterly went against my personality. Anyone who knows me would describe me as headstrong, ambitious, and at times down right rebellious. Yes I’m open-minded and flexible, but submissive? No, that would not be a word used to describe me.

And yet, here I was. Wanting to be tied up. Wanting to be controlled. Wanting to be punished. It made no sense at first.  It was like I was two different people with two different conflicting personalities. So I started a new journey. I started educating myself on BDSM and power play. I read psych papers. I read erotica. I read blogs by practitioners. I read novels. I watched porn. I talked to people online. Some of the things I found I already knew (I have always loved to read about sexual deviance), but some stuff I found was very informative and helped me come to terms with some of my feelings (I still have a lot of conflicting feelings).

What helped me most was that there were many other women out there like me. Strong dominant woman who loved to be submissive in the bedroom. These women helped me realize that there was no real clash in personality involved. It was my personality that makes me have all these desires. I also realized through some self-reflection that I some of my desires for submission came from childhood issues and intimacy issues. This helped me put something’s in perspective and allowed be to be more wary about the decisions I made in my sex life. By all means this didn’t mean that all my desires came from my issues.

I have always been a fan of conflict. I think I thrive in it. By this I don’t mean drama and petty fights and back stabbing. That type of conflict I avoid like the plague. When I say conflict I mean challenges, trying different things, pushing my limits. That sort of conflict. I realized that my desire for submission stemmed mostly from the fact it was a conflict with my personality (ironically the very same reason I was so troubled by it).  I like the fight, the excitement, and the exhilaration of being controlled, punished and restrained.  I liked the feeling that I was bringing pleasure to my partner in more ways than just the one conventional route.  I liked gaining pleasure from more ways than the conventional route. To me I realized that I yearned for submission because through it I found control, through it I found adventure, through it I found ways to push and test limits, through it I found harmless rebellion. After all I’m not truly giving up control. Did I not acquiescence to being used? And could I not pull out any time I wanted? So in reality everything is still within my control.

Most of my partners have told me that while I seemed to enjoy the game and the sexual submission, I was by no means submissive. I think they are right. For me submission is a game I play to gain new experiences I can’t and won’t be able to achieve from other parts of my life. It satisfies a curiosity and allows me to escape from restrictions of my life. And anyone who knows me knows how much I hate restrictions on anything. And really is that any different from playing violent video games such as Grand Theft Auto or Assassin’s Creed or any number of other games in the market? These games allow the player to try things that is not acceptable in real life. To push limits that otherwise could not be pushed.

I do understand that there are others who practice 24/7 submission and others who revel in BDSM for the simple fact they enjoy being submissive and being owned by someone else. There is nothing wrong with this, but these things are not for me. I know I will never be that submissive and that’s ok. I think what a lot of people fail to realize when they first start feeling these desires is that many people feel them for many different reasons. Sometimes these reasons are not healthy, and stem from abuse and other psychological issues. Sometimes these reasons allow us to explore different facets of your personality and sexuality. In the end the most important thing is to gain information, be honest with your self and make sure that you practice your desires with someone safe who will respect your limits and feelings.